seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Randomize
