I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Randomize
