apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
