All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
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