Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
