I'm gonna have a badass scar
What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Randomize
