Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
Is Oprah even human
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
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