Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions