I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Randomize
