I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned