Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
