I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
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