Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
i am craving dick and cupcakes
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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