He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
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