We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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