Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
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drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
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I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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