some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Randomize
