Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
