If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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