Me. At least after what I've been through.
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Randomize
