I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Randomize
