he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
