Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
