Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
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