So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
