I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Randomize
