why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
