Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Randomize
