we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
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