found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
