I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize
