I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
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