you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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