the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
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