Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
