he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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