I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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