my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
I think i got beer on your cat.
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