I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
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