Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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