I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
