My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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