I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Randomize
