Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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