you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Randomize
