i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
