I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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