she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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