Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Randomize
