Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
