I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
