just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
