all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
