new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
