I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Randomize
