Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Randomize
