the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
As shirtless as possible
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Randomize
