I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
