i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
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